


And You Will Never Regret the Choice

by zopyrus



Category: Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-04
Updated: 2013-05-04
Packaged: 2017-12-10 08:57:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/784219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zopyrus/pseuds/zopyrus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She was born to travel time and space.  She has already done it, before she ever meets the Doctor.  She studies hard to learn the history of her own country; she thinks deeply about its past, present and future.  This is not enough, so she switches continents.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And You Will Never Regret the Choice

**Author's Note:**

  * For [merryghoul](https://archiveofourown.org/users/merryghoul/gifts).



Tegan Jovanka might have a short temper, but she gets along well with most people.  She likes to know how people tick, to know what they will do and why. 

Learning about the world beyond Brisbane is more important to her than anything.  Tegan learns Pintupi because she wants to know what it feels like to think in a different language; she goes to flight school because she wants to watch the sun set in a country besides her own.  She is too literal-minded, as a young woman, to dream about living in an earlier time, but if it could possibly occur to her, she would long for that experience, too.

She was born to travel time and space.  She has already done it, before she ever meets the Doctor.  She studies hard to learn the history of her own country; she thinks deeply about its past, present and future.  This is not enough, so she switches continents.  She learns new ways of speaking, before she ever comes to rely on the TARDIS translator.  And the people she meet and the facts she learns have fundamentally changed her way of thinking, long before—

~~~

“The worst part,” Tegan tells Nyssa, over something that smells like tomato juice but tastes, thank God, almost like beer, “the most _infuriating_ part of the whole business, is that there are all these worlds, all these species, with telepathic abilities, yet somehow so _few_ of them believe in it!”

Nyssa nods.  “Even on Manussa, the fortune tellers thought what they were doing was all just a trick.  And for them, I suppose it was—just a silly entertainment, based on meaningless superstition.”

“Exactly,” says Tegan, “And do you remember when the Doctor took us to my world, but he got the dates wrong and we got dumped in 1862, in the middle of a war?  My people _did_ believe in telepaths back then, but a century later, by the time I was born, we all thought it was a load of nonsense that people had made up.”

“Even in 1862, your people didn’t quite get it right,” says Nyssa, with the tiniest hint of smugness.  “Do you remember Laura Edmonds?  She thought the Arcateenian who trained her was some sort of mythological spirit—what did she call it?”

“An angel,” Tegan supplies, dryly.  “But she was for real, you _know_ she was.”

Tegan can still remember Laura’s face: one second, blank with concentration, and the next, wide-eyed and accusatory and staring at Tegan.  _I see a snake,_ she had said, and Tegan had frozen, feeling as helpless in that moment as she had been when the Mara first possessed her.

“When I was a child, I thought people would just keep learning things forever,” says Nyssa, wistfully.  “We had so many archives.  But I suppose if my planet still existed, I would have the same experience as you—visiting a hundred years off, and finding everything changed.”

Tegan shivers.  She doesn’t like to think about how much Nyssa has lost.  She knows she couldn’t comprehend it if she tried.

~~~

When Tegan is finally home (she defines it loosely: everywhere on Earth is home), she does a lot of things the old-fashioned way, just because she can.  She misses the databases in the TARDIS library, so she re-learns how to use a card catalogue and gets to work, filling the gaps in her knowledge of Earth history.  She makes flashcards to help herself brush up on her language skills.  She even tries, for an afternoon, to learn how to cook, but gives it up quickly as a bad job.

She makes friends aggressively, everywhere she goes, and she gets unsatisfyingly drunk on alcohol that looks, smells and tastes exactly the way she expects.  Sometimes, when she’s had a few, Tegan almost follows the signs for palm readings—but she stops herself every time.  She doesn’t want to know.

~~~

Nyssa chooses to leave, and Tegan’s heart breaks a little.

~~~

Despite the way Tegan crashed her séance, Laura Edmonds is surprisingly kind.  If _Tegan_ had glimpsed the Mara in somebody else, she would have run in the other direction; but Laura seems to think it means they have something in common.

“It was only an echo,” Laura says, soothingly, as though she thinks that will be enough to cure Tegan’s worst fears.  “I can see things outside of time—the future, usually, but sometimes the past, too.”

Tegan wants to believe her.  “Tell me it won’t ever come back,” she says.

“I can’t,” says Laura.  “I don’t mean that it will,” she adds, quickly, “Just that you’re all mixed up.  Past and future are different for you.”

“How are you able to do this?” asks Tegan.  “How can you possibly read my mind?  I’m from—it doesn’t matter where I’m from.  The point is, you’re awfully scientifically advanced for a woman in nineteenth-century New York.”

Laura raises an eyebrow.  “Do you mean I shouldn’t have these talents because I’m a woman?  Because let me tell you—“

“No,” says Tegan, laughing.  “That’s not it at all.  Where I’m from…no one has your talents.  And I don’t understand why.”

~~~

Tegan chooses, and she regrets.  She wishes she had taken better notes; that she had asked the Doctor to turn the TARDIS translator off; that she and Nyssa had had more time.  She wishes she had never had a telepathic snake in her brain.

But she never regrets leaving home; and she never regrets returning.

~~~

Tegan can’t look up most of the places she’s visited in the encyclopedia.  Half of the famous people she’s met haven’t even been born yet.

Laura Edmonds is a footnote to American Spiritualism, a topic so obscure that the reference librarian shakes her head when Tegan brings it up.  “I’ll do what I can,” she promises, and Tegan knows that means, “Probably not.”

Once, she had the answers to every imaginable question at her fingertips.  Now she has to earn the answers, bit by bit, and she knows that she’ll never know everything.

She also knows that there are some questions she doesn't want answered, that she will never ask anyone on her world (or any other) about what once happened to her mind. She doesn't know if it changed her or not. 

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. I know almost nothing about Australian history, and chose the name of the Aboriginal language Tegan learns (Pintupi) from a Wikipedia list (to my knowledge, it was never specified in canon). If this seems egregiously wrong either from a canonical OR a real world standpoint, please let me know and I'll fix it!
> 
> 2\. Laura Edmonds was a real woman who really did claim to be able to read minds, tell the future, telepathically communicate with her best friend, &c, &c. This didn't fit into the story, but the following real excerpt from her reminiscences may be of interest:
> 
>   _When sixteen years old I had a prophetic vision which was literally fulfilled. Suddenly I saw before me an angel form who showed me a peculiar scene._
> 
>   _I seemed to see two paths; one was a lovely woodland where flowers were blooming, birds singing, and children playing, and all seemed a happy domestic life full of peace and beauty. The other path was wide and long, crowded with busy people and events, and there I saw my Father walking quite alone; my Mother was nowhere in sight, and he seemed looking for a helping hand._
> 
>   _Then the angel said to me, “These two paths are before you, one full of domestic happiness and quiet; the other with your Father through varied and exciting scenes full of care and turmoil.”_
> 
>   _“Where is my Mother?” I asked._
> 
>   _“She will have gone on,” was the reply. “Choose which path you will take.”_
> 
>   _I chose the one with my Father, and then the angel said:_
> 
>   _“It will last twenty-three years, and you will never regret the choice.”_
> 
>  --from “Recollections of Judge Edmonds’ Daughter,” published in THE UNPOPULAR REVIEW, 1917.


End file.
